When a Relationship Stays in the Waiting

Long-distance relationships, intercultural couples, and unequal commitment

Some relationships never clearly begin or end. They exist somewhere in between — sustained by frequent messages, video calls late into the night, occasional visits, and the hope that the connection might one day become something more stable. In long-distance relationships, which often include intercultural couples, this type of arrangement is relatively common, highlighting the prevalence of connections that remain uncertain over time.

The emotional bond may feel strong and meaningful, yet the relationship never quite becomes part of a shared daily reality. Distance can play an important role here: when partners live far apart, the relationship may leave more room for imagination, allowing longings and earlier unmet emotional needs to be projected into the space between them. In this way, the relationship may come to hold not only the string between two people, but also the emotional expectations each person quietly — and often implicitly — brings into it, expectations that may only gradually unfold.

Distance can shape the relationship in more than one way. It not only leaves room for imagination and projection, but can also intensify emotional and physical anticipation between partners. When partners see each other only occasionally, anticipation often grows over time. Emotional closeness, and often sexual tension, can be powerful during the short periods when they are together.

At the same time, the relationship may develop a rhythm of closeness followed by uncertainty. After periods of intense connection, communication may become less frequent, plans for the future remain unclear.

Over time, these unspoken expectations and patterns of longing can influence the balance of the relationship. When partners are not equally committed, the dynamic can shift: the partner who is less dependent often has greater influence over how the relationship progresses — or remains stagnant. In many cases, this imbalance is not intentional; it simply reflects the different positions the partners take unconsciously.

When uncertainty continues for a long time, the relationship may remain in a state of heightened anticipation or limerence — an intense form of romantic preoccupation marked by longing, idealisation, and a strong desire for reciprocation. In such a state, the partner who is more emotionally invested often carries more emotional weight, and the waiting can become exhausting. As the parties grow tired of longing and waiting, sexual tension often drops, and the intensity of the connection may temporarily lessen — yet letting go can remain difficult, as the relationship may have filled the emptiness or void left by not having a real-life partner. The more committed partner can become increasingly dependent, sometimes losing a sense of agency to care for their own financial, emotional, and even basic survival needs. Important decisions — about work, relocation, or other relationships — may gradually start to revolve around the hope that the connection will one day become clearer.

Many people find this confusing. Emotionally, the relationship can feel deeply real and meaningful, even if it remains deprived of the shared experiences that give most relationships a sense of stability and safety.

In counselling, the goal is usually not to judge the relationship itself. Emotional bonds can be complex, and people remain connected for many different reasons. Instead, the focus often turns toward the person’s own room for movement: what choices feel possible, what kind of relationship might be sustainable, and how someone can hold on to their own life and needs, and preserve their sense of self, while acknowledging a relationship that still matters to them.

References

• Stafford, L. (2005). Maintaining long-distance and cross-residential relationships. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
• Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., Scott, S. B., Kelmer, G., Markman, H. J., & Fincham, F. D. (2017). Asymmetrically committed relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 34(8), 1241–1259.
• Tennov, D. (1979). Love and limerence: The experience of being in love. New York: Stein and Day.
• Thibaut, J. W., & Kelley, H. H. (1959). The social psychology of groups. New York: Wiley.